I’ve been really into Ingrid Michaelson (she’s a singer) for a while now, but in particular the past few months. Her elegant voice gliding along notes paired with piano melodies and a strumming guitar and the occasional percussion emphasis brings more peace to me than most anthems I find on the small expensive handheld machine that pumps music to my ears.
Her song, “Breakable,” has always been my most loved – the lyrics simply intrigue me…
“Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it’s fairly simple to cut right through the mass,
and to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
And we are so fragile and our cracking bones make noise
and we are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.”
These honest words always stop my thoughts right there and cause me to wonder. It’s true, right? We as human beings really are delicate and can at any moment be “broken.” We’re fragile though only when we allow ourselves this state of vulnerability, a state of being that many of us refuse or, in the very least, find it extremely difficult to indulge upon.
This song has reminded me of a concept that fellow volunteer friends use as a means of evaluating how much their “service” has “changed” them.
We talk about how our service can break our hearts – shatter them, actually, but only if you’re really lucky. What does this mean? Why would anyone want their heart broken? Well, if you live in such a way that you let the lives and love of others tear your heart open so much that it hurts – that it breaks – only then will you finally see Love, only then might you change.
Instead of trying to avoid this heart break, it is part of the mission of true service, true justice, to allow yourself to be broken into a million pieces because that is the moment you are at your most vulnerable. That is the moment you have broken down all walls, all hesitations, all previous expectations, all preconceived ideas, and can allow yourself to see the person in front of you and love them just as they are.
It is a gift, really, when a person with a life so much harder than you could ever imagine invites you into their struggle, into their life. It is a blessing when they share their family with you, their home with you, and their heart. It is a prayer when they hug you and invite you to sit on their tiny wooden chair and offer you beans and ugali, the dish they make for every meal, and insist you eat a second helping.
But sometimes you can live these moments and as they happen, you recognize the beauty of their life and of your friendship, but you leave their house still unbroken. You can bake them cakes and take them candies, without ever recognizing your action might bring momentary happiness but can never change their circumstances. In fact, eventually you realize that your treats are nice, but you are constantly bringing them evidence of your privilege, though because of their generous sympathy they forgive you for it.
I think I’ve become stuck in this mission to be broken, which is a little paradoxical because the breaking usually happens organically. It is usually the surprise toy at the bottom of the box when all you were really digging for were extra sugared raisins. Maybe I’ve poked a hole right through the other side without recognizing this cereal also has nuts, and dried blueberries, and those yummy sugar-cinnamon covered oatmeal crunchies, a combination that leaves your tummy completely delighted and makes you forget about the plastic Dora-the-Explora toy.
So how does one start over after a seven month search? To be honest, the “let go let God” thing is getting old. I’m a go-getter, a “do-good-er,” a can’t-sit-around-and-wait-er. In fact, that’s why I visit so many of my friends, why I accept the invitations into their battles for survival and allow my eyes and ears to see and hear this tragic truth. What am I missing? Have I seen too much that now my heart is numb? Am I protecting myself from something without knowing it? I feel like I’ve skipped so far ahead of myself I have no idea where my tracks have come from. I guess for now I just need to hold on to the idea that we are all just breakable girls and boys, and hope that God will help my heart shatter.
11 June 2011
Dedication Day
For the past two months we’ve been spending our Friday religion period preparing for the Dedication Day, a “grand opening” of sorts for St. Peter Claver High School. Fr. Marty had asked me before arriving in Tanzania to coordinate the religion program and curriculum. I was totally on board, though he and I both didn’t realize how difficult the task would end up to be. Tanzania has an incredible tolerance for all religions; so much in fact, that our Catholic high school intended to offer separate classes for our Catholic-Christian, Protestant-Christian, and Muslim students, all the while maintaining in all other aspects its Catholic (and Jesuit!) identity. For this to work, the school has to ask the diocese to find the Protestant and Muslim teachers – we must go through the diocese to assure these teachers are of good standing. For whatever reason, the diocese has not been able to get back to us about the others teachers, and to be fair we had postponed all religion classes until these things get figured out (though next semester we’re considering doing a more general religion course for all students – should be interesting!)
Anyways, back to the grand opening: The Friday afternoon religion class became a practice time to learn the goings of the Mass and some of the songs (our students attend Mass every morning at 6:30am, even on Saturdays!). With Dedication Day coming soon, we now switched gears into entertainment for the big day. In Tanzania, big events like this have a particular order of events. Things vary according to the type of events, but basically a hired MC begins by introducing every important person in the room, then comes some sort of entertainment (singing or dancing), then more talking about why we are gathered, then entertainment, then giving of gifts or awards, more entertainment, and lastly we always end with a big buffet of traditional Tanzanian foods. Oh, and these events can never last less than five hours.
Practicing started out slow for our students, but as the day drew nearer they really got into it. The entire week before we had a special practice period in the middle of the day. Dedication Day is a big deal for the school, for the Jesuits, and for Tanzania. St. Peter Claver has a widely known reputation already – in fact, the name of Peter Claver was talked about even before students stepped foot on the campus. Invitations were sent to every important person in the nation, including the president. In fact, the president, many members of Parliament, and some other important people were expected to come (rumors were around since I arrived) but a meeting in Dar kept them all away (as neat as it would have been to meet the president, I did feel sad for the school – it would have been really special to have him there).
One group of students prepared a skit depicting the life of Peter Claver (created by Fr. Kizito), and it was actually quite hysterical. I was amazed because they only started the week of the event. It is great to see these students out of their student roles – some of them are really good actors and incredibly funny! A group of girls prepared a dance routine to some gospel music (Tanzanian gospel music is really upbeat and catchy). The boys felt left out and in only two days created an entire dance routine for themselves, complete with music changes and some impressive choreography. Another group prepared a song about SPC High School in traditional Wagogo music style, complete with Wagogo drumming and Wagogo dancing. (Wagogo is the tribe of Ihumwa, the village where SPC sits). Another group prepared poems about how much the love their school, which unfortunately was not performed the on that Saturday.
Anyways, Saturday came and Sean and I went with the bus to campus way too early in the morning for a Saturday (7am, yuck). I dressed in my just-made bright yellow with splashes of red kitenge dress (my friend Mama Nasrah took me to her tailor to get it made – she wore the same) and I put on makeup for the first time since arriving. The students were amazed to see me so well dressed (apparently my daily apparel is a little casual for their taste). The boys told me “Teacher, you look so smart today,” and one of a few of the girls came up to me staring into my eyes unsure of why they looked so different (it reminded me of the time my friends at the Fruit Market asked if I was tired one morning because I forgot to wear mascara). I definitely scored points with them that day – I became a tad bit more hip.
We ate breakfast with the students when we arrived – buns smeared with Blueband (a really bad fat spread – the only “butter” around) and jam. Most of us stuck our “sausage” between the bread to make a strange hot dog sandwich. After, we helped setting up the hundreds of chairs that filled our multipurpose hall and waited for our guests to arrive. The multipurpose hall looked lovely –maroon and white clothes were hung all around and green plants were placed on “stage.” There was a much decorated table along the front right wall where our guests of honor sat – they get a table so they can be served drinks throughout the entertainment and must sit with their faces visible to the other guests, another typical arrangement for an event like this.
Though invitations stated a 9:30am start, most guests arrived well after 10am and things finally commenced around 10:40. Most of our guests were family of our students, but also classes 5-7 from St. Ignatius Primary (the Jesuits’ first school here), and many of the construction workers from campus were in attendance. I was thrilled to see so many construction workers, actually, because to me they are as much a part of the start of this school as anyone else on campus.
The first part of the day was a blessing of sorts of each of the buildings on campus, even though all except two remain unfinished (the dormitories and the multipurpose hall). Things started at the classroom block where people gathered, the tape was cut (by our most honored guest, some sort of important man from the president’s office), blessings were made (complete with water), readings were read (one by a student), another blessing was given by our friend David and eventually our students led us singing to the next building. We moved to the dispensary (unfinished), the administration block (unfinished), the dormitories, and finished back in the multipurpose hall. This is where we sang our last song, the last blessing was made, and we all found our way to our seats. The teachers stood along the back, and I wanted to be near our students, so I stood next to them to take pictures (or supervise the students taking pictures from my camera – they love using it).
This is where the rest of our program was and just as I described it earlier – our MC announced important people and between speeches given by Fr. Marty, Fr. Sossy (our parish priest and director of schools) and the president’s VIP our students performed. One of the most interesting parts of the entertainment was when parents started flocking to stage in the middle of the act and threw money at the feet of the students. Apparently it is tradition to throw money at performers if they perform as a way to thank them or support what they are doing. Our girl dancers collected 68,000 TZ shillings – which is actually quite a lot of money (many of our parents are “comfortable”). The other three acts were also very well done. Before the closing of the event, there was a period of “gift giving” (usually given out but this time given to the school). Our parents and guests were asked to donate money to a fund to provide scholarships for students who couldn’t otherwise attend SPC. Guests wrote the number of what they intended to donate (or gave the money up front in cash) and the highest donors had their names and the amount read for everyone to know. The donors were called and they walked to the front to shake the hands of the VIPs and Frs. Marty and Sossy. It was quite strange in comparison to our American anonymous donation system, and I was shocked at how much money was donated. I guess one can say our school is “blessed” with many wealthy students. I just hope this money can bring those less fortunate to our school as well.
After all this, we ate and then had a little time to kill before the Jesuits had a dedication Mass and celebration for their new residence (still unfinished, however). My choir was part of the entertainment during the lunch and were singing at the Mass, so they somehow convinced me to join them after much debating on my part (“I’m scared!” – which is quite honest). It was a really nice experience though, because the Mass was rather small, mostly of Jesuit companions, employees, and friends. After we shared a great meal and some beverages and I had a ball mingling with my choir members. I don’t get to really talk to them considering we other see each other when we are singing. They are a fun group.
The weather was hot at times but the night became so chilly I needed pants and socks and a heavy jacket – I know, what a surprise! So overall, I was really pleased with the whole day. I guess now our school is official!
Anyways, back to the grand opening: The Friday afternoon religion class became a practice time to learn the goings of the Mass and some of the songs (our students attend Mass every morning at 6:30am, even on Saturdays!). With Dedication Day coming soon, we now switched gears into entertainment for the big day. In Tanzania, big events like this have a particular order of events. Things vary according to the type of events, but basically a hired MC begins by introducing every important person in the room, then comes some sort of entertainment (singing or dancing), then more talking about why we are gathered, then entertainment, then giving of gifts or awards, more entertainment, and lastly we always end with a big buffet of traditional Tanzanian foods. Oh, and these events can never last less than five hours.
Practicing started out slow for our students, but as the day drew nearer they really got into it. The entire week before we had a special practice period in the middle of the day. Dedication Day is a big deal for the school, for the Jesuits, and for Tanzania. St. Peter Claver has a widely known reputation already – in fact, the name of Peter Claver was talked about even before students stepped foot on the campus. Invitations were sent to every important person in the nation, including the president. In fact, the president, many members of Parliament, and some other important people were expected to come (rumors were around since I arrived) but a meeting in Dar kept them all away (as neat as it would have been to meet the president, I did feel sad for the school – it would have been really special to have him there).
One group of students prepared a skit depicting the life of Peter Claver (created by Fr. Kizito), and it was actually quite hysterical. I was amazed because they only started the week of the event. It is great to see these students out of their student roles – some of them are really good actors and incredibly funny! A group of girls prepared a dance routine to some gospel music (Tanzanian gospel music is really upbeat and catchy). The boys felt left out and in only two days created an entire dance routine for themselves, complete with music changes and some impressive choreography. Another group prepared a song about SPC High School in traditional Wagogo music style, complete with Wagogo drumming and Wagogo dancing. (Wagogo is the tribe of Ihumwa, the village where SPC sits). Another group prepared poems about how much the love their school, which unfortunately was not performed the on that Saturday.
Anyways, Saturday came and Sean and I went with the bus to campus way too early in the morning for a Saturday (7am, yuck). I dressed in my just-made bright yellow with splashes of red kitenge dress (my friend Mama Nasrah took me to her tailor to get it made – she wore the same) and I put on makeup for the first time since arriving. The students were amazed to see me so well dressed (apparently my daily apparel is a little casual for their taste). The boys told me “Teacher, you look so smart today,” and one of a few of the girls came up to me staring into my eyes unsure of why they looked so different (it reminded me of the time my friends at the Fruit Market asked if I was tired one morning because I forgot to wear mascara). I definitely scored points with them that day – I became a tad bit more hip.
We ate breakfast with the students when we arrived – buns smeared with Blueband (a really bad fat spread – the only “butter” around) and jam. Most of us stuck our “sausage” between the bread to make a strange hot dog sandwich. After, we helped setting up the hundreds of chairs that filled our multipurpose hall and waited for our guests to arrive. The multipurpose hall looked lovely –maroon and white clothes were hung all around and green plants were placed on “stage.” There was a much decorated table along the front right wall where our guests of honor sat – they get a table so they can be served drinks throughout the entertainment and must sit with their faces visible to the other guests, another typical arrangement for an event like this.
Though invitations stated a 9:30am start, most guests arrived well after 10am and things finally commenced around 10:40. Most of our guests were family of our students, but also classes 5-7 from St. Ignatius Primary (the Jesuits’ first school here), and many of the construction workers from campus were in attendance. I was thrilled to see so many construction workers, actually, because to me they are as much a part of the start of this school as anyone else on campus.
The first part of the day was a blessing of sorts of each of the buildings on campus, even though all except two remain unfinished (the dormitories and the multipurpose hall). Things started at the classroom block where people gathered, the tape was cut (by our most honored guest, some sort of important man from the president’s office), blessings were made (complete with water), readings were read (one by a student), another blessing was given by our friend David and eventually our students led us singing to the next building. We moved to the dispensary (unfinished), the administration block (unfinished), the dormitories, and finished back in the multipurpose hall. This is where we sang our last song, the last blessing was made, and we all found our way to our seats. The teachers stood along the back, and I wanted to be near our students, so I stood next to them to take pictures (or supervise the students taking pictures from my camera – they love using it).
This is where the rest of our program was and just as I described it earlier – our MC announced important people and between speeches given by Fr. Marty, Fr. Sossy (our parish priest and director of schools) and the president’s VIP our students performed. One of the most interesting parts of the entertainment was when parents started flocking to stage in the middle of the act and threw money at the feet of the students. Apparently it is tradition to throw money at performers if they perform as a way to thank them or support what they are doing. Our girl dancers collected 68,000 TZ shillings – which is actually quite a lot of money (many of our parents are “comfortable”). The other three acts were also very well done. Before the closing of the event, there was a period of “gift giving” (usually given out but this time given to the school). Our parents and guests were asked to donate money to a fund to provide scholarships for students who couldn’t otherwise attend SPC. Guests wrote the number of what they intended to donate (or gave the money up front in cash) and the highest donors had their names and the amount read for everyone to know. The donors were called and they walked to the front to shake the hands of the VIPs and Frs. Marty and Sossy. It was quite strange in comparison to our American anonymous donation system, and I was shocked at how much money was donated. I guess one can say our school is “blessed” with many wealthy students. I just hope this money can bring those less fortunate to our school as well.
After all this, we ate and then had a little time to kill before the Jesuits had a dedication Mass and celebration for their new residence (still unfinished, however). My choir was part of the entertainment during the lunch and were singing at the Mass, so they somehow convinced me to join them after much debating on my part (“I’m scared!” – which is quite honest). It was a really nice experience though, because the Mass was rather small, mostly of Jesuit companions, employees, and friends. After we shared a great meal and some beverages and I had a ball mingling with my choir members. I don’t get to really talk to them considering we other see each other when we are singing. They are a fun group.
The weather was hot at times but the night became so chilly I needed pants and socks and a heavy jacket – I know, what a surprise! So overall, I was really pleased with the whole day. I guess now our school is official!
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